Sanctification Calls for Questions

(Part of Sanctified Sections post series and Streets of Sanctification label)

During this season of my life, many of my sanctification moments involve my immediate family – my husband and children. My sanctification and theirs is being lived out day to day, week to week, and year to year! The good, the bad and the ugly – if you will.

One morning this past week, I was jolted to full alertness by my two favorite sons arguing in the kitchen over which food resources should be consumed and by whom. (Scarcity of food resources in a house with young, growing men is a constant real and present danger!)

“You took the last two tortillas!” accused the authoritative, firstborn, fourteen-year-old son. “You should have eaten the whole wheat bread!” With a tone of injustice and exasperation, the oldest son brings his plight to his mother, who is not the sharpest (or most sanctified) judge and juror before 9:00am. But none-the-less, sanctification never sleeps, (at least not past 9:00am!) and I am once again summoned to direct the traffic for these two budding, often bull-dozing, boys.

The first to present their case seems just, until another comes along and examines him. (Prov 18:17)

The youngest son, Caleb, often feeling to be the victim of such barrages of the high expectations from his older brother, rather dumb founded demands, “Daniel, leave me alone! I didn’t do anything wrong! You always get on to me!”

When clarity and hidden-heart agendas need to be revealed, there is a model Jesus provided. One he used over and over again. One I seek to feebly follow in our own home.

Delaying dealing with my youngest’s tone and sweeping statement, a question arises in my mind. Unclear as to why my oldest son was pushing the whole wheat bread, I asked some key questions. This brings me to my first practical principle in sanctification.

Sanctification Principle #1:

Ask questions and get THEM thinking!

Questions engage the mind and reveal thinking.  Jesus modeled this throughout His interactions with different people. His purpose was often to sift to the surface the heart and the understanding of the person he was engaging.

 Caution: Too often as parents, we continue do all the thinking for our older children.

Through a series of questions, it is revealed my oldest partiality toward the tortillas and his lack of fondness for whole wheat bread. Upon this revelation, we determine -  together - he should not have taken a reprimanding demeanor with his younger brother which began the disgruntled detour. Reconciliation (a practical process put firmly in place in our home from the time my oldest was two) was sought with his brother, both apologized for their reactive words, attitudes and tones. Sanctification continues - relationships strengthened, bitterness abated, humility displayed, grace given – after all, He is the potter and we are the clay. The streets of sanctification are once again relatively relationally liter-free.

Weighty considerations as we journey down the streets of sanctification…

This takes TIME, LISTENING and asking QUESTIONS! Much harder than giving a command and demanding compliance, which most appropriately characterizes parenting in the child’s younger years (or the inverse mindset of leaving the children to themselves to find looking-to-the-interest-of-others, god-honoring wisdom.) As the child grows self-revelation is much more powerful and lasting than the revelation by others to the child – questions help sift self-revelation to the surface.  Are we willing to invest at this level? We choose. This is a toll road. There is only a PAY NOW or PAY LATER option, because either way, we will pass through the toll booth. Pay now is proactive, pay later is reactive and tends to be much messier. Both are costly in time and energy, however one way tends to be much more harmonious, the other way much less.

Have you found this out the hard way? In some areas of my sanctification journey I sure have! My biggest struggle has been to have tools to help me be proactive. As a parent, this took genuine humility on my part, because that meant I didn’t have all the answers much less tools to help me. I don’t even think I had any answers, mostly because I didn’t have a vision for intentional parenting founded on His word and ways. Rather, I had lots of “man’s wisdom” – from my own secular upbringing, my third parent – the TV, ideas influenced by romance books and mindless music. Yikes! The only thing I can say is that when my oldest was two years old, I became keenly aware that I didn’t know where I was going with these new family additions!  I hit a roadblock on the streets of sanctification.

So what do I do when I need help? Is there a street sign with instruction in His word, on what to do when we need help? Yes!! Call on the Lord, seek Him, seek Him with all our heart is what His word says. So I clung to Jeremiah 9:23-24, Jer 33:3, Prov 3:5-6,  and other scriptures that revealed this “seeking and finding” principle to me and the journey began…

So roadblocks require genuine humility and a few tools in order to overcome and  journey forward. I say tools and not techniques. Techniques tend to cage our thinking  into a system or formula, which, when divorced from foundational understanding, are dangerous and inappropriate when it finds its application in people and relationships. Rather, we need tools which provide an image of a master tradesman with understanding utilizing a tool to accomplish a purpose.

Do you and I know our purpose as parents? Do we seek to understand our influence, stewardship, responsibility? I am afraid too often we do not. Rather than seeking sanctification in our parental thinking, we seek the path of least resistance or the path of least patience… and we settle. We settle for what the current culture says, and yes, even what some short-sighted church leaders and “church-goers” say.

One of the primary tools we need is good questions!

Good questions are by nature, engaging and relational. Without good questions, we are merely having “parallel monologues”, as I have heard my friend, Andrew Kern, say. Conversations without connections don’t strengthen relationships – with God or with others. So let’s see where we can go to find some models of good questions, then we’ll work on some principles of purpose and listening.

More probing ideas to come…

Uncomfortable? You bet, that is sanctification’s way. With the perpetual flow of seemingly prickly people in our lives as well as our own ample portions of porcupine-ness, sanctification finds its transforming abode.

Wise Parents Wrestle…

Today produced yet another enlightening discussion with friends and fellow forerunners in the Christian-parenting journey. Personal struggles in passing along the live-giving ideas and principles wrapped up in a life based on truth as defined by the One who claimed to be the Way, the Truth and the Life.

The communication and cultivation of these life-giving and life-altering truths to the next generation, in a world preoccupied with its own passing beauty, is appropriately marked by struggle - a wrestling if you will.  After all,  where there is no wrestling - no struggle - inherent weakness and frailty remain unrevealed.  A result no loving parent would intentionally wish to cultivate yet statistics bear an alarming frailty among young people emerging from “Christian” homes.

Wise parents therefore welcome the wrestling and do not settle for the short-sighted temptation to exasperate our young adults by means of forcing mere external obedience while refusing to engage their young minds and hearts through relevant encounters of principles and ideas from scripture. While we, as parents, are often already resolved on such ideas and principles, we often forget how we arrived at such resolutions. Many resolutions have been made through our own struggles with truth and “truth” (and others through amiable acquiesce or clinging to a certain form or tradition, but that is a subject best left for another blog post). The next generation must be afforded the same opportunity, the same right to test His ways and truths against the world’s “ways” and “truths”. The Way, the Truth and the Life is more than up to the task, even if we parents are not! Remember, He dealt with us, didn’t He?

Is such wrestling permitted and promoted within the arena of your home, my home? The days of parenting by authority alone were appropriate when our children were young and their capacity to understand and reason required consistent external governance, correction and intervention. However, in healthy, and I would argue Biblical, parenting of the human soul, this external governance must give way to internal governance upon which the work of His spirit must be fully relied upon for all application and wisdom on the parents part and the budding youth’s heart.

Consequently, if we parents continue to rely more upon our own strength by exerting our unilateral authority to its fullest extent in all matters on behalf of these young adults, this internal governance in our youth remains neglected, and as a result, it is profoundly retarded. Producing what kind of adult? At best, an adult that is conditioned to be controlled and cared for by other humans with an identity grounded in human elements and efforts. In the end, both parent and youth resent this regretful result.

The human soul innately knows it was designed for a greater governance, a governance that does not produce slavery to a human element, but a governance that paradoxically produces freedom from human frailties of self and others. Producing a freedom to love and serve from the heart. With a transcendent identity characterized by an attractive and unassuming authority that stems from the internal governance of His spirit. This is the appropriate and fruitful governance the human soul was designed to find its fullest satisfaction.

My spirit is vexed in this sober undertaking. What parent is able to labor in a worthy manner under such weighty matters? Hope abounds because of His provision. For whom He has granted precious and magnificent promises through which, when apprehended and appropriated by His grace, we wrestle with Him who bestows strength, blessing, understanding, and wisdom.

May we wrestle with Him, so that we may have personal strength to pass to our youth in their time of wrestling.

From Triangles to Tattoos?!?

Each week, I have the privilege of gathering with a group of 16 and 17 year olds where we learn math and more about the God behind the language of math!

This week, we were once again learning even more about triangles. Let me just say, I love triangles! Triangles are so important in measuring and relating to God’s creation that there is a whole course called Trigonometry devoted to them! And guess what, my God is a triune God.  Interesting that He would choose the triangle as a corner piece in understanding so many aspects of His creation. Very interesting, isn’t it?!?

So this week, we were contemplating triangles. Formulas for triangles, similar triangles, right-triangles, congruent triangles, … and I stopped!

“Students. What do the words congruent triangles mean?”

A student replies reading the bold text from a lesson, “Congruent triangles are similar triangles with a scale factor of one.”

“Good!” I replied. “So you could say congruent triangles are the same. They have the same side lengths and same angles.”

Frustrated and forlorn, one student states, “Well then! Why don’t we just say that then! Why do we have to use strange words!”

YES!! The moment had come! You see, I have been waiting, waiting for this fated pivotal moment. The moment when the stars aligned, and I could share a secret I learned seven years ago - a learning secret.

“Every subject has a language that we have to learn! This is called the grammar. Do you feel stupid when someone keeps using a word as if you should know what it means? I sure do! Does anyone here know what a direct object is? A few nodded, others whispered “No.” I said, “If you knew Latin or sentence patterns and structures you would.”

So it is so important to go back and ASK, what do you mean by _______? Or hustle back through a lesson and find the definition of that unfamiliar word.  In order to learn anything, we have to understand the words people use and how they are using them – this is called the grammar!” If we don’t understand the words, or know the grammar, we tend to shutdown and tune out, because it really is “all Greek to me!”

I didn’t stop there. Oh no! The door had been swung open and I have been invited in! I went on … to the dialectic stage. Learning how to think and make connections; perceive relationships between subjects, between concepts and between their personal faith and their personal choices.

On and on, I went! Until finally, as I was moving into the third learning skill, rhetoric, I stopped and I asked. “Does anyone here have a tattoo?”

Attention riveted, as they each craned their necks to be sure they had heard my question correctly. Everyone shook their head, but I could tell I had struck an already contemplated cord. A tempting knock on the debate door was heard loud and clear. I allowed for a temporary trek down tattoo lane… but only to serve my greater purpose.

“Why would someone want a tattoo?” I fished.

Immediately, the answer from one student was - “To tell a story, to share a message that is important to the bearer.”

Ahhhh HAAA! Here is where I rounded out the robust and riveting discussion, by dropping my premise into place. The idea that words – speaking and writing words – are superior to images in many ways. What’s my authority? God’s illustrations and metaphors in His word. Specifically, referencing our God in speaking creation into existence and Jesus being the word of God, just to name a few. Words carry great power!

I challenged the students – work on using words well!

I concluded by saying… whether you or your friend has a tattoo or piercing or whatever… people will ask questions about it and you will eventually need words to tell the real, whole story … and that is the heart of rhetorical skills – mastering the right usage of words!

We bantered a bit more, even laughed as we shared thoughts and ideas. One student asked me, “What do you think, Ms. Shirley?” Good! They are interested in what I think. Like any good teacher would do, I let the question linger, leaving them to ponder what I might think and why. “That discussion is for another time.” Though I am disappointed that no one asked me if I had a tattoo, but I think I inadvertently let that cat out of the bag when I said, “It is by the grace of God that I don’t have a tattoo. Before the age of twenty, I was an atheist, but that’s yet another colorful story for another time!”

So I leave the rest of this discussion to your family’s dynamics, history and walk with the Lord. You can thank me (or curse me) later! :)

Either way, your family still needs to answer the question…

What is MY communication strategy?

For Whom the Bell Tolls (part 2)

The following days Caleb interjected concerns about the looming dentist visit that was weighing heavy on his mind.

"Mom, I should have listened.  Now I understand that you were trying to help me and save me from having to go through this. I wish I would have really listened and I'm sorry it will cost you so much money."

Mindful of his precarious position between self-absorbed pity and true godly sorrow, I proceeded with discernment.

"Caleb, we have the cost covered, that is not something you can bear or have the resources to cover.  However, I need you to be a big man and walk through these dental repairs with courage.  I also need you to remember that many times the counsel and warnings I give you, you will not fully understand at the time they are given.

 There is a way that seems right to a man, 
but in the end it leads to death.  Proverbs 14:12

But I do. You then have to choose if you will rely on your own limited understanding and wisdom or my greater understanding and perspective."

Trust in the LORD with all your heart,
And do not lean on your own understanding.
In all your ways acknowledge Him,
And He will make your paths straight. Proverbs 3:5-6

"Yes, mom, I understand that better now."

"Good, Caleb."

Enough said today.  More sober simmering.

Can you think of times of regret when you have relied upon your own understanding or limited perspective, instead of His? 

Or perhaps the converse.  Have you known the joy of trusting Him when your understanding would have taken you in a different, more short-sighted direction?

For Whom the Bell Tolls (part 1)

He approached with downcast eyes. In a meek voice, "Mom, the dentist needs to talk to you." A distinctly different entrance into the waiting room than my other two children after their dentist visit.

As you remember, Caleb and I had been working on life lessons, as it related to listening, responsibility and oral hygiene.  See Responsibility Merge Ahead post.

I proceeded to the dreaded dentist area and was greeted with the information that Caleb did indeed have four cavities.  Now you have to understand, Caleb is more adverse to discomfort than my other two.  So he was already calculating in his mind the "sleepy juice" shot and the drilling, and his heart was most distraught.

Later, as we all piled into the van, Caleb's first words were, "Mom, is there any way to undo the cavities without going back to the dentist?" (and going through the discomfort is the implied meaning here).

"No, my precious son, but I'll go with you and I'll pay the bill.  Remember my words of counsel, reminding and warning (again refer to my previous post) are for your good and your protection."

Enough said today.  This moment needs to soberly simmer in the heart of my beloved son.  This moment must not be rushed nor relieved, it must simmer.

Now, you draw the powerful parallel.

While immediately inconvenient and ignorantly unappreciated, the Lord's counsel and warnings are for our great protection and benefit.  He sees down the road, the consequences and the cost...  While he covers the cost, alas the consequences, at some level, will have to be walked out.

Responsibility - Merge Ahead

On the highway of life there are responsibility entrance ramps and exit ramps. I have recently taken a responsibility exit ramp … the “brushing the teeth of my youngest” exit ramp, or at least a frontage road.

That’s right… the torch, I mean the toothbrush, has been firmly placed in my nine year olds capable hands. Of course, I still remind my youngest to brush his teeth quite often. Recently, upon inspection, it was revealed that the tooth burshing responsibility was in the slow lane with speed descreasing at a decaying rate! This responsiblity merge was a bit stalled.

What is a responsible parent to do? Well… if my son was much younger or incapable of brushing his teeth, then of course I would take back the responsibility and do it myself. But alas that is not the root issue, is it? Rather this is an issue of personal responsibility and maybe even something more.

Assuming the best and offering the “benefit of the doubt”, I spoke to my son with unusual mercy, “I know it is hard to remember, but when I do remind you, you need to follow through.” With piercingly honest eyes, he replies, “Mom, actually, I have been kind of blowing off what you say when you remind me. I don’t stop and do it then. I just say ‘Yes, mam’ and don’t really do it. (Sound like a familiar parable?) I didn’t want you to think it was because I didn’t remember; I really need to do better at listening to what you say. I’m sorry mom, will you forgive me? I want to really make a change, this time.”

Well now!!! While I sure didn’t like the way he response began (although the honesty rang to the center of my own soul concerning areas of negligence or mere lip service), he did take personal responsibility for the dental neglect. Then another step beyond that (a sanctified step that our family has adopted) he sought forgiveness for “blowing off” my instructions.We spent some "heart time" in the familiar parable, empty words for appearance sake, and obedience.

Now time (and more grace-filled reminders), will tell how well his dental hygiene habits mature, but this dental discussion revealed maturity fruit in another area. Travel on!

Lord, I need your wisdom and balance, to not incubate immaturity but rather mentor my children toward maturity…thank you for allowing me to see glimpses of your greater work in each of my children’s hearts.

Fertilizing Your Soul

Today Emily arrived home from camp. Tradition dictates that we spend a few moments "debriefing" the family on the camp days... Laughter echoes and life lessons abound...

Then after lunch (and a special coffee run) the discussions take on an introspective tone, at my prompting of course :).

"How do we really live out a life that glorifies the Lord?" is the question "on deck"... as we all seem to agree that this is our purpose... but how does the rubber meet the road?

We discuss the classic disciplines of the christian life - prayer, service, knowing His word, ... but still I probe further... "Why do we do these things?" I know that soon the answer "because you told us to" or "because it is expected of me..." won't cut it... they need to think deeper as they mature. Their seeds of obedience must push through the soil and mature into fruit that can withstand exposure to the elements.

The tumultuous but thoughtful tilling of the soil continues...

"When we do the easy things... like passively taking in media or just following the culture/crowd, what is going on?"

Delaying any "quick and easy" answers... I then give an example of how ideas, values, beliefs change from age to age... and ask "How do we know who is right?" Then I ask "Who is right?" THEN the more important question comes - WHY? I need my children to then think and say - well... Does the Bible have anything to say about this? Now this is gardening at its finest... unearthing God's wisdom, principles, ways, and character. Is there anything better?

I now summarize... "There is a battle for our affections, our heart, our time, our minds. Everyday we are exposing ourselves to ideas, beliefs, values, etc... So who is going to define our values - what is right and wrong, true and false? If we are not careful we'll let the world define it, because of its easy access and enticing attributes....
BUT when we seek after the solid food of God's word, we seek wisdom and that transcends the current culture and its ideas, wisdom that imparts true nutrition to the soul. In doing this, we have intentionally sought a richer fertilizer, one that is specifically designed to just the right "soul-nourishing pH" balance, regardless of the climate."

So from whom do we get the majority of our fertilizer? The media? Finite men, whose life span is on average 70 years? Or our infinite creator and His word?

So back to the question "on deck"... How do we live a life that glorifies the Lord?

By wisely choosing our fertilizer sources ...

So ... Which fertilizer are you going to mix in your soul? I mean soil!

Music... the message, the messenger, the mode

Life principles and teachable moments... that pretty much sums up the bulk of my motherhood journey these days...
Daniel's related post

As the realm of music, and really media in general, present themselves front and center in the life of an American teen (and parent!)... once again we are called to lead. As a parent do we avoid and ban? Or dialogue and discern? Well... as you can imagine, I would say each method should be appropriately employed!
Watch over your heart with all diligence, for from it flow the springs of life.

In the arena of media, we have modeled for our kids the thinking through layers of communications... Layers like the message or meaning or purpose of a song, show, movie, etc... What effect, fruit and outcome does this message bring forth? Usually this area of a young teen's understanding is on a fast learning curve, but the teen should not rely solely upon their understanding, insight and wisdom to discern these dynamics. As the parent, we have more perspective, and hopefully wisdom, to offer our young teens - to mentor them along in "thinking" through ideas and messages that seek to implant themselves in our minds and hearts.
As a man thinketh in his heart, so he is...

Next, Ed and I work through educating our kids on messengers of the message... in this case the person behind the music. The message of and from a person is naturally and rationally connected with the nature of its creator. Music, art and other media are forms of expression... thus they flow out of the heart of a person. If I choose to cling to music that "sounds good to me", without examining the message and the messenger, I may often be lumped and eventually shaped into the same form as the messenger. So what clay am I being lumped with?
Do not be conformed to the world but be ye transformed...

Finally, the mode or the style of music. This is an area we are learning more about as a family. Music affects the soul. It bypasses the rational - which really makes music all the more potent in its effects upon the soul. For soothing and nurturing the soul or for confusing and atrophying the soul. So here, I pay closer attention to my child's musical creations, as well their consistent choices, dialoguing as needed along the way.
All things are lawful for me, but not all are profitable. All things are lawful, but I will not be mastered by anything. All things are lawful, but not all things edify.

So there you have it... the layers at which we as a family evaluate, dialogue, filter and choose our music selections.

Mentoring and modeling toward maturity...